Jack Moeser’s Commissioned Report on the 2024 Reply-All Email Chain Incident and Letter of Resignation

For Immediate Release

STATEMENT BY SPECIAL INVESTIGATOR JACK MOESER

August 26, 2078

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Fifty years ago on this day, the course of our nation was forever altered in an event all who were afflicted can remember vividly. The specific locations in which each American citizen first read the infamous August 26, 2028 email from then-president Mark McDowell are permanently etched into our brains as the origin points of the latest (and likely final) meandering story arc of the United States of America. Seared just as deeply into our memories are the grim images of our nation that have accumulated over the past five decades to form a mosaic portrait of a hopelessly moribund government and society.

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But what is much more difficult to discern than the time and place of the United States’s initial descent into terminal dysfunction are the facts of the matter: As fallout of the 155-exabyte .zip bomb that was sent to every U.S. citizen’s email inbox during the ordeal, and the ensuing wholesale collapse of our nation’s digital computing infrastructure, nearly all of the email correspondences that unraveled American democracy were completely lost, or were at least thought to be. Left and right, computers were bricked, rendered unusable as they inexorably attempted to decompress a seven-kilobyte file into an array of data vaster than the sum of all human knowledge past, present, future and other. Disk space that could have been used to document crucial history became inaccessible overnight.

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Three years ago I was commissioned by what remained of the U.S. federal government to seemingly achieve the impossible: retrieve and recreate the lost reply-all email thread that began with a message from our President and ended with foreign phishing scammers occupying the highest offices in our government. I was motivated to uncover the truth, to the extent possible, but I also had a misplaced optimism I might discover a satisfying truth contrary to our fabled recollection we now accept as fact. Perhaps our President did not email his shady plans to orchestrate an under-the-table deal to 350 million people; perhaps our Vice President and Speaker of the House did not decline the chance to serve as President and rectify our nation for bafflingly inane reasons; perhaps people did not keep asking to be removed from the email list by replying-all, thereby encouraging others to mimic their tactic to no avail.

 

As I said: misplaced optimism. You may read my reconstructed email chain below. Funding for this project was generously provided by The Home Depot. With this report complete, I am generally pleased to announce my resignation from all governmental affairs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jack Moeser was born in Tucson, Ariz. and graduated from the University of Michigan with a Bachelor of Music and Minor in Writing in 2024. After completing a Master’s degree at Northwestern University in 2026 and proceeding to have a career as “arguably the greatest French horn player the world has ever known” (NME), Moeser stepped away from music to pursue his nascent passions for forensic analysis and assembly-level computer science. He built a career as a notable freelance investigator & programmer before being tapped by the federal government to produce a report on the Reply-All Email Chain Fiasco of 2028, the event that catalyzed his interest in political affairs beyond catastrophically destabilizing American society. He resides in a sailboat in the Pacific Ocean.

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